seeklovejustice

I quit my job today.

Thu, 02 Jul 2009 23:56:48 GMT

I have one month left of working at Suntime Pools West,

and I have absolutely no idea what will fill its spot.

Hopefully the universe provides something good.

SO CLOSE TO THE END!

Mon, 27 Apr 2009 14:21:56 GMT

i only have two papers left (both due in the same class). they are only to be six pages in length. but i will be gone on retreat all day today and most of tomorrow until 3pm, and my class (in which they are due) begins at 4pm. aaaah, i just have to keep my mind in focus! i can't NOT finish these papers and fail the class!

i'm only halfway through the first paper (roughly). i suppose it will be another late-nighter. don't you hate it when motivation simply will not come to you? i've felt that way this whole semester. ugh, i just have to MAKE it happen...but i'm stressing that i won't.
hopefully this shower relieves the tension i keep building in my chest and back. :(

good luck to everyone else!! i hope finals aren't too stressful for everyone!

VENT.

Wed, 15 Apr 2009 15:37:32 GMT

...I sure hope that's true! It seems that I have a bunch of decisions to make in the next few weeks, in between meetings and turning in end-of-the-semester papers and projects. Of course, that's everyone's life story, isn't it? : ) I just have to keep reminding myself of that fact. Still, I'm going to vent, just so I can organize my thoughts, move on and get some things done today! (I'm at work right now, but hopefully we won't have many customers...)

*Homework:

- Read "Producing Culture and Capital" for Global Capitalisms. Finally borrowed the book yesterday from another student (thank you, Hassan!!!) because Gray's didn't list it at the beginning of the semester - therefore, I didn't purchase it and wasn't aware of my oversight. No Border's store or library had it, including the UofL library because a fellow student checked it out...now we are on the last chapter, and I've missed all the quizzes for it.
Also, need to work on final project for this!!! Research, write paper, put together presentation...ugh.

- African Philosophy: Write final paper. Actually, this will be fun - I like the topic and it's only 10 pages, so hopefully I can knock it out fairly easily...Yay!

- Kant: UGH UGH UGH!! The bane of my existence these days. I have to finish a 6-page paper on his moral theory (I've already had an extension for the due date) and pray to the gods he doesn't assign the third one listed in the syllabus.

- Perspectives on Civic Leadership - Write final short response paper, Arts Event response paper, and final paper/presentation; the first two are due Saturday, the last is due in a week and a half, I think. Gotta get on this!!!

- Yoga - Happy feelings, aaaaah. Will probably be exempt from the final (fingers crossed) because I kicked ass on the midterm. Happy day! :D

*Events/Work:

*Today: work until 6pm, then meet with Michele about Yew Dell Gardens project. I might also be talking about summer program for children she's designing. I hope I have time to help her, it sounds fun!

*Thursday (tomorrow): Class, then meet with Dr. Masolo about Senior Honors Thesis. MUST have a topic determined and a proposal written and turned in by the end of this month. I need to brainstorm today about this!! Then, going with Robby to view potential houses.

*Friday: work all day.

*Saturday: class, then maybe Thunder!

*Sunday: Help Mom out in Taylorsville at her church at 8am, then drive back to Louisville by noon for the "Calling Young Prophets" art auction! I just finished my piece for it last night (you all should come to bid on it, lol!), so hopefully I don't have much more to do for this. Leave art auction to baby-sit @ 5:30pm-??.

*Monday and Wednesday: Work all day

*Tuesday: classes from 10am-6:45pm, then CrossRoads Advisory Council meeting 7-9pm.

*Next Thursday am-Friday pm: Leading a Junior Retreat for 30 girls from Sacred Heart High School. I'll be doing my final presentation for GC about 30 minutes before the retreat ends. I know, SCHEDULE CONFLICT!!! Must resolve this with retreat director and Dr. Zhao ASAP! THEN will be off to Crestwood to help Michele with Yew Dell Gardens event for a few hours. Fun fun!

*Next Saturday: After my final paper presentation in Civic Leadership, off to Yew Dell Gardens for the day to help again!

*The following Monday am-Tuesday pm: Leading another Junior retreat for Sacred Heart. Must LEAVE QUICKLY to make it to my final Kant class!! Turn in multiple final papers.

*Wednesday: Work all day.

*Thursday: Collapse. In the meantime, decide where I am going to live this coming year, plan finances, start to study for the GRE, and look for a job I can hold once I graduate in December.

Don't read unless you are incredibly bored!
Whew, I feel loads better! Sorry to dump. Now, time to get to work! : )

sappy post!

Wed, 25 Feb 2009 19:33:02 GMT

What are your middle names?
Rae and Joseph

How long have you been together?
'officially' since around the end of July 2008, although we don't have a set date

How long did you know each other before you started dating?
since early 2007, so roughly a year and a half

Who asked whom out?
hm...he admitted to me first that he cared about me, and i was the one who, when i eventually was okay to be in a relationship again, said "yes"

Whose siblings do you see the most?
hm, probably mine, although we see each other's family fairly often

Do you have any children together?
nope! but maybe one day we'll have timmy. ;)

What about pets?
no, but we would both love a puppy! <3

Did you go to the same school?
we both went to UofL, although he graduated a year and a half before i will...although i AM graduating a semester earlier than he did...ha! ;) than again, he got a job with his degree, and i'm fairly confident i never will with mine.

Who is the most sensitive?
we're both very sensitive. gosh, i'd have a hard time choosing between us! we're sappy! i definitely cry more easily, but robby feels just as strongly as i do.

Where do you eat out most as a couple?
santa fe's, maybe? :)

Where is the furthest you two have traveled together as a couple?
well, we traveled to Chicago together, but that wasn't really as a couple... :) guess southern indiana, lol

Who has the craziest exes?
meeeeee, although they aren't too crazy.

Who has the worst temper?
ME!!! robby is a sweetie - he seriously never flares up.

Who does the cooking?
he does! although we cook together more often than not, which is fun <3

Who is more social?
that's a hard question - i like to 'go out' and be social more than robby does, and he's slightly more shy in group settings with new people than am i, but i'd say we're overall equally sociable/friendly

Who is the neat freak?
haha, neither! although robby is a little neater than i am, probably. actually, definitely.

Who is the most stubborn?
....robby. ;) although we can BOTH be incredibly stubborn. i'm just more willing to consent most of the time...MOST of the time, lol.

Who hogs the bed?
neither of us, really. although i think i have more of a tendency to steal the blankets! lol

Who wakes up earlier?
neither of us are early risers per se, but robby is much more chipper in the morning! i'm, ummm....a little difficult most mornings, lol!

Where was your first date?
sari sari and just creations, i think. that was a cute day! <3

Who has the bigger family?
immediate family: robby
extended family: mandy

Do you get flowers often?
yes!!! he spoils me <3

How long did it take to get serious?
not long...we spent a lot of time together, though, so i think that exacerbated it.

Who eats more?
hm, i don't know; if you look at the actual amount of food, then robby, but comparatively...i'd say me! lol

Who sings better?
lol, robby would say me, but he's a silly-head.

Who does the laundry?
robby, more often than not, because he's awesome

Who's better with the computer?
rb!!!!!!!!!!!!

Who drives when you are together?
it's pretty equal

Who picks where you go to dinner?
i don't like to pick!! it's a joint decision.

Who is the first one to admit when they’re wrong?
we both are...we're both too sentimental to be irrationally mad that long.

Who wears the pants in the relationship?
we both do :) AND, for that matter, we both wear skirts! lolol ;D
<3

Who has more tattoos?
neither of us have one, but i'd like to get one; i don't think robby would.

Who eats more sweets?
me! robby's too well-behaved.

Who cries more?
me :)

quiet

Sun, 23 Nov 2008 01:13:06 GMT

i'm enjoying being still on this saturday night. fall feels like it's over, and winter is approaching fast...i'm very much welcoming it, though. i become so restless when things become normal and expected; times of transition make me more contemplative.

i only have two more semesters of UofL. this thought makes me happier than i can express. it also, however, makes me wonder when i'll start living up to the expectations i once had for myself. i should have been graduated already, in my mind. i should have traveled the world and made a significant impact on the lives of others. i've always been the over-eager one. thankfully, though, i've had a wake-up call that i have a whole life ahead of me (:D!) and, hence, a long long long time to do good things. i just don't want to ever end up taking life and all it encompasses for granted.

i'll be 21 in two weeks. again, something i've just settled for NOT being - "old enough," in this case - that soon i will finally be. i once thought 21 meant i would at last be old enough to be perceived as an adult in others' eyes; however, i look at my life now and the way i'm living it, and sometimes i'm frustrated as i try to reconcile my old standards with my current circumstances. how can i be considered an adult? my heart might know its age, which is ageless, but my 'outside' life looks like...well, what one might expect from a 21-year-old. a life that belongs to someone far too young. but it is what it is.
i've decided that, inside, i'm simultaneously three years old and eighty years old. will that ever change? probably not, but thank goodness. i kind of like being one on the edge of my seat, both as eager as a young child to engage myself in the world and as lovingly, wistfully observant of life as an elder. i'm old/young enough for me. :)

what i can say for sure is that my heart is exapanding and my spirit is searching, and those are two conditions i hope never change.

speaking of expanding hearts...
robby is my kind. to look through his eyes back at myself is the most humbling practice; his utter selflessness to me, his complete attentiveness to and care for my happiness and well-being make me want to be that much more loving toward him. he embodies everything good and wonderful in the world. sure, i see his flaws and he sees mine; we are rawly ourselves with one another...but somehow, that makes what we share so much more incredible. of course, our relationship is young and we are infatuated and everything is beautiful no matter what. but i've had 'new love' before, and the depth of our care for one another keeps me readily dismissing the idea that this is petty and fleeting. i'm just so grateful to have him right now as my friend, my teacher, and my love. :)

and speaking of searching souls...
i now know for sure that i can't go to a regular graduate school. i have to go to a hippie grad school. i don't want to emerge from earning my PhD sloughing off the rough layers of exhaustion and apathy created by stale teachers, exanimate students and pointless assignments. granted, grad school becomes more focused than undergrad, therefore more interesting, and so on...but still. i'm tired of this lifeless crap. i want to LIVE and truly LEARN, and to be around more people who yearn to simply be - people who strive to be real and authentic, who are tied to what really matters in the world. education should be liberating, not hurtful and binding. it should feed my spirit, not starve it.

anyhow, enough rambling. :) i just purchased a "good poems" book that i've wanted for roughly four years. why have i finally bought it now? i have absolutely no idea, haha. but i think i'll snuggle up with the cats and a cup of hot chocolate and let myself get lost in those lines of beauty.

stay warm, everyone!

wonderful day!

Mon, 13 Oct 2008 13:13:34 GMT

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, ROBBY!!!
:D

on another happy note, i'm going to be super-super-productive today!! :D all of this happiness makes me want to give lots of hugs.
i'm going to get my oil changed, go shopping (spontaneity is my forte, so last-minute gift giving has always been my specialty, haha!), hang out with my sister and take her to a job interview, run a check over to my mom, and maybe study a little bit. really, just showering this morning will be a true accomplishment, considering that hasn't happened recently...lol? or just ew!??? ;)

anyway, i love when i don't HAVE to be anywhere/do anything definite. free days make my spirit so much lighter. just what i need lately. :) actually, reading my list, it only FEELS like i'm being super-productive, but that's okay. even pseudo-productivity is better than feeling like you're in a black hole of tasks to check off your to-do list. and so what if it's mundane, day-to-day stuff? i'll have plenty of time to dream <3 that's the best.

the only definite thing i'm going to do is celebrate robby's birthday with his family, which will be waaay more fun than getting my oil changed! :D haha. i care about him so much my heart wants to burst. he makes me so incredibly happy. i wish everyone could have a romantic interest who's as genuine and kind as robby; everything about him is so real. he and i can be silly/serious/sweet/sulky/stressed/something wonderful together, and it doesn't change anything between us. that's such a gift: to be completely yourself with someone, and to have that someone be completely himself with you, and be so crazy about each other that it all just seems like the best thing that's ever happened to you. <3 i hope he has a wonderful birthday - he deserves to know he's loved so much.

yay, happiness all around!
but goodness, i'd better get started on that shower! :D haha.
hope everyone's day is lovely - enjoy fall break!
<3

i think i would like my life better if it weren't so...normal.

Thu, 09 Oct 2008 18:14:26 GMT

thank goodness for friends and family who keep me connected to what i find truly important.

i wish i could travel somewhere exotic, though. it's one big world and one super-short life to take it all in. maybe that's why i find the idea of reincarnation improbable but also highly appealing: i know i simply can't ever understand all i seem to think i need to understand in one lifetime, so it'd be nice to have a few go-arounds. but then do i really want to come back to this broken world??? yes, i do. to fix it. and to fix myself.

why do i have this sense of urgency about my life, like i have to do it all now? i guess it's like mary oliver said: "i don't want to end up simply having visited this world."

oh well, back to editing books and studying for tests and other pointless junk.
maybe i'll have a chance to paint or read poetry tonight.
<3

Tue, 23 Sep 2008 13:50:41 GMT

the leaves are starting to change colors...
:)
i love autumn.

Fri, 19 Sep 2008 14:39:41 GMT

i'm in a great mood today!

buuut, there are lots of thoughts bouncing around in my head lately. maybe if i type them out, i'll gain some clarity?

here are a few:
1) i like that the power outage allowed me to spend more time with people i wouldn't normally get to see. i'm sad, however, that people have been so inconvenienced. it really is such a disruption to one's feelings of security and well-being. i can't help but think of the people who come to the retreat center i work at, asking for a few bucks to pay for their monthly electricity, who have bills and babies and several jobs to juggle...they deal with this stuff every day. it makes me sad.
2) i love brennan edgmon. i love talking with him. i love riding in the car and laughing at the little things he says. i'm so glad he was in my house when the power went out and helped me save the cats and sipped on coffe/ate cheesecake with me at heine brothers to make things better. most of all, i like that he likes asking the same unanswerable questions i do. :) i hope we become better friends.
3) i feel inadequate at most things lately. it's not really new to me to feel like i'm not good enough (everyone has their little thing they have to deal with, and this is mine), but i hate when i let it become overwhelming and allow it to impede me from getting things done, which in turn yields more feelings of inadequecy. but i have a list and i'm working through it this weekend! :D
4) i never drank heavily (as in getting more than tipsy) until this summer, when i used it as a means to avoid difficult emotions. i can't believe i let myself do that. my family has an extremely serious history of alcoholism that has destroyed the lives of my aunts/uncles/cousins/grandparents. i know i have those tendencies, but i have always exercised careful control. now, i see myself becoming very lax about that...which ultimately hurts others as much as myself. i can't believe i'm typing about this because i've always considered this a really private struggle, but i think getting it out there will help me be better about my drinking habits. i'm going to scale back drastically. just because i can shoot back three shots of bourbon, a few beers and lots of wine and still be fine the next morning doesn't mean i should. i'm going to be better. hold me accountable.
5) i want to travel somewhere. in fact, i NEED to travel somewhere soon. my soul is restless and is making me tired and consider important things in my life petty, which is unhelpful and certainly will not help me in the long run. i need to get away for a weekend.
6) robby is my best friend, and i could never thank him enough for how he's helped me this week.
7) maybe life really is absurd, but i have a tendency to think not, which is a highly illogical stance but, what the hell, i've never been terribly logical nor do i feel obligated to be ruled by reason. :) i FEEL just as much as i THINK, and what i feel tends to lead me to things that make me happy/fulfilled/more expansive, so i'm going to go with that for now. gee whiz, i'm the worst philosophy major ever! lol. AND i think waaaaaay too much. hence my gratitude to brennan and robby, haha.
8) it strikes me that kristen and i will always be close. this makes me feel very reassured. i wish everyone had someone in their lives to be the person kristen is for me. thank goodness we were sisters...biological, that is, so that the fact that we're soul sisters is made more obvious to us. :) p.s. i find it interesting to note those who think we look alike and those who think we don't. those who think we don't tend to operate at a different level than those who see our similarity...things like this make me wonder about spirituality. hm.
9) i'm about to go have lunch with my mom and that makes me very happy. :) she also likes to talk about weird stuff, because she's crazy and i get that weird dreaminess from her! :D
10) geez, i need to start writing shorter posts. : / if you read this, why the hell do you have so much free time??? haha!

aaaah...i feel much, much better. :)

long time, no entry

Sun, 07 Sep 2008 19:25:01 GMT

   soooo, i'm all by myself at the pool store on this sunny sunday afternoon and figured i'd take a chance to write. it's been quite some time! SO much has happened in the meantime. i suppose a lot of things are happening all the time in the world but, on a smaller scale, my little life has been flipped upside-down these past few months.

some highlights:

   i love living in the *beautiful* carriage house with the girls!! my mind feels so much freer not having to worry about budgeting my time between work, school, and travel between those places and home. i'm much closer to where i need to be - so nice! - and the separation from parents makes everything less stressful. i've even become a grown-up and have finally learned to pick my clothes up off the bathroom floor after i shower! haha, probably my proudest/most exciting achievement this past month. ;)

   work has finally become limited for school, which i'm so happy to be back into. i finally feel like i'm taking classes i expected to take in college: courses that are challenging and are taught by knowledgable instructors, classrooms full of people who are passionate about what they're learning/willing to contribute to class and make it that much more interesting and informative. i'm SO happy i decided to add on that second major...philosophy is wonderful and i highly respect its purpose, but after a (short) while, hashing out different theories seems so meaningless if it doesn't affect positive change in the world/influence one's way of living for the better. thus my enthusiasm for peace and justice studies! :)

   i miss my parents, but not in a bad way. i've always enjoyed having them in my life in a significant way, but it's been liberating to have them as mere spectators and supporters of my choices and life course rather than active participants. they are so wonderful. i wish everyone had parents who wanted them to be as happy as my parents want me to be. i'm so appreciative of the way they stand behind my decisions no matter how much they wouldn't choose those things for themselves. and they are starting to have more time for each other, which makes me happy - now they can more fully enjoy their time together again. <3

   i'm worried for kristen and justin, but i know things will work out for them. i'm just sad they have such stress to deal with their first few months of living independently... :( i love them so much. i hope they're always a significant part of my life.

   my love life this year has been...tumultuous, to say the least, which has seemed to concern a lot of people. i suppose it's nice to know that people care and want to see me happy. but these ordeals have really given me time to reconsider what i need/want in a relationship, what really is best for me and, ultimately, what makes me truly happy. and now, i can say that i am so, so, SO very happy!!! i wonder all the time, 'how in the world did i not realize how incredible robby is?!?!?' ( i realized he had a(n?) LJ account yesterday, which spurred me to get on here to read it, which eventually led me to this moment, writing my own entry). i can't believe i've known him for a year and a half and never let myself see in him what i see now. looking back, i recognize the pattern: ryan was always jealous of how positively i talked about robby, which led him to convince me to hang out with him less, which limited the deepening of our friendship...but looking back, i also see that i always really valued the little time we spent together. BUT i would have never guessed that spending more time together would lead to this! :) i'm so flipping crazy about him - i can't stand how ridiculous i am over him sometimes. he has one of the wholest hearts i've known.
***stop reading now if you don't want to read mushy/crappy romantic stuff, but i have to vent somehow! sigh...i'm sooo emotive, it's nauseating.***
i was just reading through robby's LJ posts today for fun, and i was overwhelmed by how much i care about him. i even had to call him to tell him so. he wants so badly to live his life the best way he can, and he wants that in the most genuine/selfless way.

okay, i'm stopping this because robby's here at the pool store visiting me so i'm just going to enjoy his company instead of writing that i do! :D

overall, i love life right now <3
and i love you all!

Tue, 20 May 2008 18:25:26 GMT

this pool store is awfully quiet today,
so i'm enjoying rumi and thomas merton's company. :)

lately i've also been enjoying the company of many wonderful friends to whom i could never express enough gratitude. i'm so lucky to have people in my life who show they care for and love me...life is so beautiful. relationships are what make it worthwhile.

speaking of relationships, my connection to ryan has diminished to almost nothing. but the freedom that has come with that distance has made me into a totally new person, someone freer and more open and passionate. i've relinquished the idea that we'll get back together any time soon because i feel we should spend years apart. we both have so much growing up to do. and because he doesn't feel the same way about me makes me see life through a whole new lens, one of possibility and newness.

this is a bittersweet struggle, one i'm still deciding how best to sort out. i wish we could more easily be friends...hopefully time will help.
i see this time in my life as if i'm standing ten years in the future, looking back and smiling and tearfully, happily shaking my head, grateful i perservered and wasn't afraid to grow up. i know so much more is coming. i just have to hope with my arms wide open.

on another note, certain people in my life have become more significant lately...after a connection with someone that took so much work and was consequentially very rewarding because of the fact that it took so much work, this seems easy...maybe even too easy. but it's wonderful, and it makes me happy, happier than i've been in so long. but it's too soon. i don't write about it here too much because i'm trying to keep it at bay for a while, give it time, wait until the time is right. but is now the right time and i'm just too emotionally foggy to know?
things are wonderful, so i'll wait. the universe has its own way of showing me what, and who, and when. &hearts;

You've gone to the secret world.
Which way is it? You broke the cage

and flew. You heard the drum that
calls you home. You left this hu-

miliating shelf, this disorienting
desert where we're given wrong

directions. What use now a crown?
You've become the sun. No need for

a belt: you've slipped out of your
waist! I have heard that near the

end you were eyes looking at soul.
No looking now. You live inside

the soul. You're the strange autumn
rose that led winter wind in

by withering. You're rain soaking
everywhere from cloud to ground. No

bother of talking. Flowing silence
and sweet sleep beside the Friend.

- Rumi

...he doesn't want me back.

Tue, 13 May 2008 02:39:21 GMT

he doesn't love me anymore. he just doesn't feel the same way.

i could cry my heart into a million pieces.

Mon, 12 May 2008 02:57:57 GMT

    my parents' hair is grey.

    i noticed this the other day as if it happened suddenly and spontaneously...my parents are getting older. this does not scare me or make me feel much differently, really; it just makes me take a step back from things.

    life goes by so fast. i remember the day my dad turned forty just as vividly as i remember last month when he turned fifty - those ten years have flown by. the me i was when i loooonged so desperately to be beyond my teenage years seems light years aside from the person i am today, but the time that passed from that me to my current self seems like the blink of an eye. this is such a short, brilliant, beautiful, wild, passionate, desperate existence...i am so moved by the fact that i am alive. so much has happened in my one, short little life, so much happiness and growth and change...but i am so small. things are so small. and that is the beauty of it.

    i could die tomorrow, and everything i am and have would be no more. it's likely we each only have this one, short little life to live with all our heart, fully and with passion, striving for what we want. there is no time for regret.

    this recognition has led me to one conclusion:

    i want him back.

Sat, 26 Apr 2008 04:16:35 GMT

i loathe myself.
i always fuck everything up.

ALWAYS.

Sun, 20 Apr 2008 15:11:45 GMT

~*~
i love:

beautiful carriage houses

sipping surprise coffee drinks made by awesome baristas

talking with amazing, open-minded, caring friends

finding the hidden journal in the table at heine brothers'

queso from moe's

jill and russ

chatting about shallow stuff with deep people because it's just fun

sunny, warm weather

making nerds laugh

zach smith because he removes spiders from my car when i'm scared :)

veggie burgers at steak houses

watching "the office" and "x-men" while inebriated with calen davis

~*~

thanks and apologies

Tue, 15 Apr 2008 19:31:03 GMT

i'm glad i have fun people in my life who will get me drunk on a monday night to show they care,
who will give me pep talks in the bathroom and kiss my nose,
who will let me ramble philosophically like a crazy person and say, "i wish i said things like that when i get drunk!" OR "i used to say shit like that ALL THE TIME!!"...
who will cheer when i down my first tequila shot (ever!),
who will let me crash in the basement when they have to be up WAAAAY early the next day,
and who just want to see me happy.
:)
i don't know that i'll ever do the whole beer, then margaritas, then straight tequila, then beer again deal...my stomach has been queasy all day and my head hurts. but that could be lack of sleep! lol.
to sarah, megan, kristen, robby, brennan, seth, and james: thank you!!!

~*~

but i'm really sorry i wasn't a friend to one who needed to talk last night. ryan left me a message saying his grandpa had fallen again and hurt his hip, and his grandpa's wife - who is suffering from alzheimer's worse and worse every day - kept getting upset, saying he was lying to her when he told her they were married. i didn't call back because i didn't want to make anything worse...but i think i made it worse by not calling.
after all, he is still my friend.
:(
i don't know that i'll ever do the whole getting drunk on a monday night thing again...it's fun, but the next day is hell to work through.
to ryan: i'm still trying to figure out these limits...in the meantime, i've hurt you, and for that i'm very sorry.
<3

broken.

Mon, 14 Apr 2008 02:26:57 GMT

this weekend went not well.

i still don't feel better from my weird sickness. thank goodness the fever is gone, but this cough is disgusting. i wish all the vitamins and rest&relaxation had done something so this last week of classes wouldn't be so difficult. ugh: health, classes, work...it is all so silly to worry about!

saturday, i worked by myself and then called every friend i knew to be doing fun things for thunder. i decided to stay home instead of increasing the chances of getting sick again by trying to go out; however, because i was sick/lonely/tired/sad, i kept calling and texting ryan to see what he was up to. i was pathetic. i certainly put a damper on ryan's night because i kept tearfully harassing him while he was out with friends, and i definitely didn't keep the distance we'd both agreed to this past week. thankfully, ryan was very patient and kind and kept me together; i'm just upset and embarrassed i relinquished our promises so quickly. my heart is gaping wide open and i can't help but want to rub salt in the wound...right now, i just don't want it to heal.
and then kristen was hurting. i don't even want to face the existential question of suffering right now. the imaginary independence of my spirit diminishes to see her tears. my pain and her pain are not separate; i understand this to be the way of the world, but in a special way i hate to see my sister hurt.

today was worst. this morning i saw many friends, but they seemed distant and merely mildly interested in me. they seemed much more eager to talk of the reasons they are glowing, happy, beautiful...but i know they only seem to not reach out to me because i cannot bring myself to offer my attention. i understand that i feel the need to be in this place of isolation, so i make myself unavailable to the people and passions i need most. i feel myself walking backward; i need to start putting one foot in front of the other. i am so needy and i don't trust that i can fulfill those needs perfectly. when will i choose to wake up?
work was lonely - only two customers and lots of rearranging of pool goggles for four hours. life is absolutely absurd sometimes, especially when you consider that mandy zoeller is working in retail...!
then i made a big mistake. i know it was my fault. i can't do it any more; i'm just rubbing salt in the wound again. i wish i could recognize that the breeze carries that salt and stings other hurting people, too...my suffering is bound up with his.
but i know it was not really a mistake.
i swear, in those times, we are infinite.
i want it to be us, only us, always.
i held back; i knew it was wrong. but i didn't hold back enough.
i jumped in deep enough to emerge robbed of the sanity i'd collected these past few days.
i am not a hateful person, but this moment i despise this skin i'm in:
it simultaneously connects me to and keeps me from everything i know to be true and beautiful and real, and i've not yet learned to balance on that paradoxical beam.
i suppose i really hate myself.

this is what i have been told to make my prayer:

to see myself walking around shining like the dawn, just as i see every other being on this planet.
why do i find my brokenness obscene and everyone else's beautiful?
why can't i appreciate my own worth?
until that day, i cannot live as i'm meant to live in this world.

i need to paint again so that the colors can be angry, not me...
so that the hues can bleed and the brush strokes can be erratic
so that i can release this pain and remaster my spirit
so that i can paint a picture of who i am, where i am, of love, of hope,
so i can understand better my place and my face
and i can wipe my tears and take a step back...
so i can look at my image and say
i am beautiful.

this is the worst i've ever felt doing the right thing.

Thu, 10 Apr 2008 01:35:43 GMT

when i was in kindergarten, i asked my mom to tell me the truth about Santa Claus. i told her that i wanted to believe he was real but that, the more i thought about it, the less i understood it all. it just didn't make SENSE that one man could make it all around the world in one night to every little girl and boy! since my dad felt i was too young to be told the truth, mom comforted me by saying that there were just some mysteries in life we couldn't understand. i walked away feeling satisfied enough.

however, one night in first grade, i came to mom bawling, saying i couldn't take it anymore. it REALLY just didn't make sense that Santa was real. some kids didn't receive the same amount of toys even though they were just as well-behaved, and Santa seemed to do something different at each person's house. i couldn't help but feel there was something i was really missing out on.

my mom told me the truth about Santa that night. i remember crying a lot after she tucked me back in bed, a hollow, empty feeling in my heart, but with a renewed understanding of myself and the ways of the world.

the disenchanting effect of reality seems to always bring heartache. ryan and i are so much better this way; while we are such gifts to one another, we have each been holding the other back from doing what will make us most happy at this point in our lives. we each need freedom the other simply can't give while maintaining a sense of well-being and self-respect. but how can it be good to leave the one you truly love...ever?

unfortunately, this is not something my mom can help me to relinquish. this is not something with easy answers, an instruction manual, a guarantee it's really the best. but i have to be honest, for my sake and for ryan's...i want to be fair. we were both asking hard questions; we had to grow up and face the hard answer, no matter how devastating.

i'll let him go and, if it is meant to be, it will certainly be better at a later time...
later, when we've both had time to get the yearnings of youth out of our systems and can each be a little more settled, this could work; it could work well. it could be beautiful. it could be forever. but for that to happen, it can't be right now.
and nothing could break my heart worse.

ryan is one of the most beautiful souls i have ever known. he will change the world and himself in ways no one, not even i, can possibly understand at this point. he faces a difficult few years ahead of him; i have to just hope he'll be true to himself in the end, that he'll cultivate his immense compassion and grow into the man he so desperately wishes to. i love him more than my life. i can't begin to understand the connection we have or why, despite all outside criticism, he has brought me such joy and wisdom in these few short years...i can be as grateful as i am to him to very few other human beings on this planet. i'm so glad we've decided - promised - to remain best friends. thankfully, we both have a strong understanding that this is the way it must be. we'll be supportive of each other but will learn to give the space we each need.

to love him truly and deeply is to set him free.

kristen says she wishes the saying "love isn't always enough" wasn't true. i think love is both not enough and too much. it's the fact that i love ryan so much that i can't keep him with me; it's the reason he says, tearfully, he knows he has to let me go. if there was nothing else in the world but me and ryan, love would be enough...but it isn't just the two of us. we have to face reality and our lives in it. this makes love not enough, even for two people who can't begin to fathom how they'll stand to be apart.

when i found out about Santa, i kind of wished i'd never asked. but now i've grown up; i'm glad i asked, i'm glad ryan asked, and i'm glad we've faced the answer. however, in the meantime, it will be harder than i can understand to handle this change.

i just hope he can always be my best friend, come what may.
i just hope we've chosen the right answer.
i just hope we can both be free.
i just hope we can love each other forever, in whatever way is best for us both.

Tue, 08 Apr 2008 14:29:24 GMT

i'm completely obsessed with james blunt's "high"

i'm listening to it for the fifth time today...
the 129874530945th time this week
<3

thank goodness i have something to carry me far away from this pool store.

it's nice to avoid all of the imminent decisions i have to make about this summer/next year/forever and just throw myself into a song, a poem, a dream...those feel so much more real to me than this mundane existence i sometimes lead.
of course, this 'mundane existence' is leading me to much more poetry and song in life than i can ever hope to hear in my mind. :) it's just hard to keep that perspective lately.

~*~

i've decided i can't go to the zoo again for a long time. it makes the experience of seeing a gorilla, an orangutan, a tarantula much more surprising and awe-inspiring and beautiful to be separated from those gorgeous animals for quite a while before revisiting them. actually, i hope to never return to a zoo...maybe later i'll write about it later.

<3

life <3

Fri, 04 Apr 2008 03:05:35 GMT

often i feel like i can't be all i want and need to be
but i realize that's part of being in this skin.
we take our time slowly because otherwise we couldn't stop ourselves to smell the wildflowers...
and we wouldn't know that's actually why we're here.
i can only stretch myself so far, and i shouldn't.
my heart can hold it all, the souls and smiles and songs
and i don't have to understand the music to dance.

but i'm not a passive dancer - i'm passionate,
and i have the peace of mind to recognize that i don't know it all
nor can i
nor should i,
and that inspires me to do more than i ever thought possible.

finally, someday soon i hope i'll learn the balance between
saying "yes" because i feel i must
and saying "no" because, in the end, i'm always saying no to someone, even if that someone is myself
and i have to understand which "yes" is most important.

<3

in other news, i am now double-majoring in philosophy and liberal studies (program title: peace and justice studies).

that previous sentence is basically a bunch of nonsense that truly means: i am keeping my options open, saying "yes" and saying "no," and most importantly, following my heart!

i have also realized that i should recommit to living how i preach one should live,
in solidarity with those close to us as well as those across oceans.
so to kristen in particular,
i love you
<3
and i love you all!

yay, livejournal! :)

Sat, 23 Feb 2008 17:28:14 GMT

i figured it's about time i set up an account... this should be a nice outlet for me.

if anyone has suggestions on how to make this thing look better, i'd appreciate it. i have that 'overwhelmed' feeling i got when i joined myspace, then facebook. i feel i'll never understand but know i will...

such is life! :)