I have one month left of working at Suntime Pools West,

and I have absolutely no idea what will fill its spot.

Hopefully the universe provides something good.

i only have two papers left (both due in the same class). they are only to be six pages in length. but i will be gone on retreat all day today and most of tomorrow until 3pm, and my class (in which they are due) begins at 4pm. aaaah, i just have to keep my mind in focus! i can't NOT finish these papers and fail the class!

i'm only halfway through the first paper (roughly). i suppose it will be another late-nighter. don't you hate it when motivation simply will not come to you? i've felt that way this whole semester. ugh, i just have to MAKE it happen...but i'm stressing that i won't.
hopefully this shower relieves the tension i keep building in my chest and back. :(

good luck to everyone else!! i hope finals aren't too stressful for everyone!

<3

( April Showers bring May Flowers... )

Don't read unless you are incredibly bored!
Whew, I feel loads better! Sorry to dump. Now, time to get to work! : )

i'm enjoying being still on this saturday night. fall feels like it's over, and winter is approaching fast...i'm very much welcoming it, though. i become so restless when things become normal and expected; times of transition make me more contemplative.

i only have two more semesters of UofL. this thought makes me happier than i can express. it also, however, makes me wonder when i'll start living up to the expectations i once had for myself. i should have been graduated already, in my mind. i should have traveled the world and made a significant impact on the lives of others. i've always been the over-eager one. thankfully, though, i've had a wake-up call that i have a whole life ahead of me (:D!) and, hence, a long long long time to do good things. i just don't want to ever end up taking life and all it encompasses for granted.

i'll be 21 in two weeks. again, something i've just settled for NOT being - "old enough," in this case - that soon i will finally be. i once thought 21 meant i would at last be old enough to be perceived as an adult in others' eyes; however, i look at my life now and the way i'm living it, and sometimes i'm frustrated as i try to reconcile my old standards with my current circumstances. how can i be considered an adult? my heart might know its age, which is ageless, but my 'outside' life looks like...well, what one might expect from a 21-year-old. a life that belongs to someone far too young. but it is what it is.
i've decided that, inside, i'm simultaneously three years old and eighty years old. will that ever change? probably not, but thank goodness. i kind of like being one on the edge of my seat, both as eager as a young child to engage myself in the world and as lovingly, wistfully observant of life as an elder. i'm old/young enough for me. :)

what i can say for sure is that my heart is exapanding and my spirit is searching, and those are two conditions i hope never change.

speaking of expanding hearts...
robby is my kind. to look through his eyes back at myself is the most humbling practice; his utter selflessness to me, his complete attentiveness to and care for my happiness and well-being make me want to be that much more loving toward him. he embodies everything good and wonderful in the world. sure, i see his flaws and he sees mine; we are rawly ourselves with one another...but somehow, that makes what we share so much more incredible. of course, our relationship is young and we are infatuated and everything is beautiful no matter what. but i've had 'new love' before, and the depth of our care for one another keeps me readily dismissing the idea that this is petty and fleeting. i'm just so grateful to have him right now as my friend, my teacher, and my love. :)

and speaking of searching souls...
i now know for sure that i can't go to a regular graduate school. i have to go to a hippie grad school. i don't want to emerge from earning my PhD sloughing off the rough layers of exhaustion and apathy created by stale teachers, exanimate students and pointless assignments. granted, grad school becomes more focused than undergrad, therefore more interesting, and so on...but still. i'm tired of this lifeless crap. i want to LIVE and truly LEARN, and to be around more people who yearn to simply be - people who strive to be real and authentic, who are tied to what really matters in the world. education should be liberating, not hurtful and binding. it should feed my spirit, not starve it.

anyhow, enough rambling. :)  i just purchased a "good poems" book that i've wanted for roughly four years. why have i finally bought it now? i have absolutely no idea, haha. but i think i'll snuggle up with the cats and a cup of hot chocolate and let myself get lost in those lines of beauty.

stay warm, everyone!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, ROBBY!!!
:D

on another happy note, i'm going to be super-super-productive today!! :D all of this happiness makes me want to give lots of hugs.
i'm going to get my oil changed, go shopping (spontaneity is my forte, so last-minute gift giving has always been my specialty, haha!), hang out with my sister and take her to a job interview, run a check over to my mom, and maybe study a little bit. really, just showering this morning will be a true accomplishment, considering that hasn't happened recently...lol? or just ew!??? ;)

anyway, i love when i don't HAVE to be anywhere/do anything definite. free days make my spirit so much lighter. just what i need lately. :) actually, reading my list, it only FEELS like i'm being super-productive, but that's okay. even pseudo-productivity is better than feeling like you're in a black hole of tasks to check off your to-do list. and so what if it's mundane, day-to-day stuff? i'll have plenty of time to dream <3  that's the best.

the only definite thing i'm going to do is celebrate robby's birthday with his family, which will be waaay more fun than getting my oil changed! :D haha. i care about him so much my heart wants to burst. he makes me so incredibly happy. i wish everyone could have a romantic interest who's as genuine and kind as robby; everything about him is so real. he and i can be silly/serious/sweet/sulky/stressed/something wonderful together, and it doesn't change anything between us. that's such a gift: to be completely yourself with someone, and to have that someone be completely himself with you, and be so crazy about each other that it all just seems like the best thing that's ever happened to you. <3  i hope he has a wonderful birthday - he deserves to know he's loved so much.

yay, happiness all around!
but goodness, i'd better get started on that shower! :D haha.
hope everyone's day is lovely - enjoy fall break!
<3

thank goodness for friends and family who keep me connected to what i find truly important.

i wish i could travel somewhere exotic, though. it's one big world and one super-short life to take it all in. maybe that's why i find the idea of reincarnation improbable but also highly appealing: i know i simply can't ever understand all i seem to think i need to understand in one lifetime, so it'd be nice to have a few go-arounds. but then do i really want to come back to this broken world??? yes, i do. to fix it. and to fix myself.

why do i have this sense of urgency about my life, like i have to do it all now? i guess it's like mary oliver said: "i don't want to end up simply having visited this world."

oh well, back to editing books and studying for tests and other pointless junk.
maybe i'll have a chance to paint or read poetry tonight.
<3 

the leaves are starting to change colors...
:)
i love autumn.

i'm in a great mood today!

buuut, there are lots of thoughts bouncing around in my head lately. maybe if i type them out, i'll gain some clarity?

here are a few:
1) i like that the power outage allowed me to spend more time with people i wouldn't normally get to see. i'm sad, however, that people have been so inconvenienced. it really is such a disruption to one's feelings of security and well-being. i can't help but think of the people who come to the retreat center i work at, asking for a few bucks to pay for their monthly electricity, who have bills and babies and several jobs to juggle...they deal with this stuff every day. it makes me sad.
2) i love brennan edgmon. i love talking with him. i love riding in the car and laughing at the little things he says. i'm so glad he was in my house when the power went out and helped me save the cats and sipped on coffe/ate cheesecake with me at heine brothers to make things better. most of all, i like that he likes asking the same unanswerable questions i do. :)  i hope we become better friends.
3) i feel inadequate at most things lately. it's not really new to me to feel like i'm not good enough (everyone has their little thing they have to deal with, and this is mine), but i hate when i let it become overwhelming and allow it to impede me from getting things done, which in turn yields more feelings of inadequecy. but i have a list and i'm working through it this weekend! :D
4) i never drank heavily (as in getting more than tipsy) until this summer, when i used it as a means to avoid difficult emotions. i can't believe i let myself do that. my family has an extremely serious history of alcoholism that has destroyed the lives of my aunts/uncles/cousins/grandparents. i know i have those tendencies, but i have always exercised careful control. now, i see myself becoming very lax about that...which ultimately hurts others as much as myself. i can't believe i'm typing about this because i've always considered this a really private struggle, but i think getting it out there will help me be better about my drinking habits. i'm going to scale back drastically. just because i can shoot back three shots of bourbon, a few beers and lots of wine and still be fine the next morning doesn't mean i should. i'm going to be better. hold me accountable.
5) i want to travel somewhere. in fact, i NEED to travel somewhere soon. my soul is restless and is making me tired and consider important things in my life petty, which is unhelpful and certainly will not help me in the long run. i need to get away for a weekend.
6) robby is my best friend, and i could never thank him enough for how he's helped me this week.
7) maybe life really is absurd, but i have a tendency to think not, which is a highly illogical stance but, what the hell, i've never been terribly logical nor do i feel obligated to be ruled by reason. :) i FEEL just as much as i THINK, and what i feel tends to lead me to things that make me happy/fulfilled/more expansive, so i'm going to go with that for now. gee whiz, i'm the worst philosophy major ever! lol. AND i think waaaaaay too much. hence my gratitude to brennan and robby, haha.
8) it strikes me that kristen and i will always be close. this makes me feel very reassured. i wish everyone had someone in their lives to be the person kristen is for me. thank goodness we were sisters...biological, that is, so that the fact that we're soul sisters is made more obvious to us. :) p.s. i find it interesting to note those who think we look alike and those who think we don't. those who think we don't tend to operate at a different level than those who see our similarity...things like this make me wonder about spirituality. hm.
9) i'm about to go have lunch with my mom and that makes me very happy. :) she also likes to talk about weird stuff, because she's crazy and i get that weird dreaminess from her! :D
10) geez, i need to start writing shorter posts. : /  if you read this, why the hell do you have so much free time??? haha!

aaaah...i feel much, much better. :)

   soooo, i'm all by myself at the pool store on this sunny sunday afternoon and figured i'd take a chance to write. it's been quite some time! SO much has happened in the meantime. i suppose a lot of things are happening all the time in the world but, on a smaller scale, my little life has been flipped upside-down these past few months.

some highlights:

   i love living in the *beautiful* carriage house with the girls!! my mind feels so much freer not having to worry about budgeting my time between work, school, and travel between those places and home. i'm much closer to where i need to be - so nice! - and the separation from parents makes everything less stressful. i've even become a grown-up and have finally learned to pick my clothes up off the bathroom floor after i shower! haha, probably my proudest/most exciting achievement this past month. ;)

   work has finally become limited for school, which i'm so happy to be back into. i finally feel like i'm taking classes i expected to take in college: courses that are challenging and are taught by knowledgable instructors, classrooms full of people who are passionate about what they're learning/willing to contribute to class and make it that much more interesting and informative. i'm SO happy i decided to add on that second major...philosophy is wonderful and i highly respect its purpose, but after a (short) while, hashing out different theories seems so meaningless if it doesn't affect positive change in the world/influence one's way of living for the better. thus my enthusiasm for peace and justice studies! :)

   i miss my parents, but not in a bad way. i've always enjoyed having them in my life in a significant way, but it's been liberating to have them as mere spectators and supporters of my choices and life course rather than active participants. they are so wonderful. i wish everyone had parents who wanted them to be as happy as my parents want me to be. i'm so appreciative of the way they stand behind my decisions no matter how much they wouldn't choose those things for themselves. and they are starting to have more time for each other, which makes me happy - now they can more fully enjoy their time together again. <3 

   i'm worried for kristen and justin, but i know things will work out for them. i'm just sad they have such stress to deal with their first few months of living independently... :(  i love them so much. i hope they're always a significant part of my life.

   my love life this year has been...tumultuous, to say the least, which has seemed to concern a lot of people. i suppose it's nice to know that people care and want to see me happy. but these ordeals have really given me time to reconsider what i need/want in a relationship, what really is best for me and, ultimately, what makes me truly happy. and now, i can say that i am so, so, SO very happy!!! i wonder all the time, 'how in the world did i not realize how incredible robby is?!?!?' ( i realized he had a(n?) LJ account yesterday, which spurred me to get on here to read it, which eventually led me to this moment, writing my own entry). i can't believe i've known him for a year and a half and never let myself see in him what i see now. looking back, i recognize the pattern: ryan was always jealous of how positively i talked about robby, which led him to convince me to hang out with him less, which limited the deepening of our friendship...but looking back, i also see that i always really valued the little time we spent together. BUT i would have never guessed that spending more time together would lead to this! :) i'm so flipping crazy about him - i can't stand how ridiculous i am over him sometimes. he has one of the wholest hearts i've known.
***stop reading now if you don't want to read mushy/crappy romantic stuff, but i have to vent somehow! sigh...i'm sooo emotive, it's nauseating.***  
i was just reading through robby's LJ posts today for fun, and i was overwhelmed by how much i care about him. i even had to call him to tell him so. he wants so badly to live his life the best way he can, and he wants that in the most genuine/selfless way.

okay, i'm stopping this because robby's here at the pool store visiting me so i'm just going to enjoy his company instead of writing that i do! :D

overall, i love life right now <3
and i love you all!